Open Your Heart, Stop Judging Yourself

Q. I am constantly criticizing myself and judging other people. I want to open my heart and I don’t know how to do it.

Every child is always told he is wrong in everything. Slowly, slowly he catches the disease of criticizing himself. And a person who criticizes himself cannot forgive others. How can he forgive? His whole life simply becomes a condemnation – condemn yourself, condemn others. Then love becomes impossible, friendship becomes impossible, and he simply suffers.

Whenever you say to somebody, “No, you are wrong,” you feel powerful. It feeds your ego. Wherever the child goes, everybody is enjoying power, and the child is crushed. And when so many people are saying that he is wrong, naturally he has to believe it.

But remember, as a reaction, he starts judging others. When everybody else is judging him, there is no reason why he should not judge others. You are teaching him to judge, to judge everybody and as much as possible to judge negatively.

And this is our world  where everybody is judging himself as wrong and judging everybody else as wrong. How can you be loving, friendly, trusting? How can you open your heart? It is not a beautiful situation. You have to understand: asking me, “How to open my heart?” is not the real question. The real question is how you managed to close it.

Whatever you are doing, if you like doing it, do it. There is no question of judgment; nobody else has the right to say that what you are doing is wrong. If you enjoy it, you are not harming anybody, you are not disturbing anybody.

So instead of judging, start accepting yourself with all your imperfections, frailties, mistakes and failures. Don’t ask yourself to be perfect. That is simply asking for something impossible, and then you will feel frustrated. You are a human being after all.

Once you accept yourself, you will be able to accept others because you will have a clear insight that they are suffering from the same disease. And your acceptance of them will help them accept themselves.

We can reverse the whole process: accept yourself. That makes you capable of accepting others. And because somebody accepts them, they learn the beauty of acceptance for the first time  how peaceful it feels  and they start accepting others.

If humanity comes to a point where everybody is accepted as he is, almost 90% of misery will simply disappear and your hearts will open of their own accord and your love will be flowing.

Nobody is perfect, so you have to accept a state of no-love, or accept that it doesn’t matter whether somebody is imperfect. Love can be shared, shared with all kinds of people. Don’t make demands.

Love them, respect them, and perhaps your love and respect may help them change many of their weaknesses, many of their failures  because love will give them a new energy, a new meaning, a new strength. Love will give them new roots to stand against strong winds, a hot sun, heavy rains.

If just a single person loves you, it makes you so strong that you cannot imagine it. The heart will open by itself. Don’t be worried about the heart. Just do the primary spade work.

Are You Comparing Yourself To Others?

“A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it, it just blooms.” There is also a saying, that the only person you should try to be better than is who you were yesterday.

In a competitive world, where social media is a popular platform for news and views, we are tempted to constantly compare ourselves to others. We get bothered by what others think of us, and when we see their achievements, we feel inadequate. This is because we are not sufficiently aware of our own self-worth.

The trouble with being preoccupied with the achievements of others is that we tend to ignore our own accomplishments.when we focus on other people, we lose time we could otherwise invest in ourselves. We don’t grow grass by focusing on our neighbor's garden; we do it by nurturing our own. That is why she advocates self-acceptance, in which we love our past, because it has made us – with all the mistakes we have made  into a better, wiser and more courageous version of ourselves. By embracing our own story and the way we have grown from it, we change our mindsets, attitudes and the direction we take in life.

The measure the world uses today to gauge our successes is based on material achievements and peak performances and not on what we have overcome. People are endowed with many gifts. While one person may be a good writer, another may be a good cook, or an orator, mason or carpenter. The secret is to develop the talents we have and to put them to good use. If we are content with who we are, that is the best antidote to making comparisons.

Serving others is yet another way of overcoming the tendency to make comparisons. When we serve others, we focus on our strengths and what we have to offer to the other. Service increases our value, both in our own eyes and in the eyes of others. When we serve, we do not focus on the accomplishments of others, but on our own talents and ability to reach out to them.

Social media often makes us restless, unable to perceive the underlying reality of our own lives. We are challenged daily to discover our own unique path in life. The only healthy way to compete and make comparisons is when we try to better our own performance by looking at others who have achieved much. Their achievements can act as a spur to do what we are capable of doing, better.

The business world thrives on competition; it makes them manufacture better products at lower cost. Sports persons compete for titles and organisations compete to render better service. In the process, people do make comparisons. If we use the high standards set by others as a benchmark to improve our own act, there is no harm in making comparisons. But, if we use comparisons to switch lanes and to take on ourselves what we are not comfortable with, we may make a serious mistake. It is only when you recognize your own potential and strive to better yourself that you gain confidence and improve the quality of your actions.

Your Beliefs And Thoughts Impact Your Life

We are so sure of our beliefs, views and opinions. We call it the truth. We say that’s how things are. But have we ever examined whether any of this is true? Why or how, are we so sure?

How do we know that what we think is true? Right or wrong, everyone is equally sure. We don’t ever doubt our own thinking. Even though we have put in no effort to learn how to think or verify whether what we think is true.

We are sure of what to eat, what to drink, how to behave, which medical cure will work, what is best for our children, what is God’s role in our lives…. The list is endless. The beliefs are strong. But can we say that the application behind the belief is equally strong?

And what is the result of this sure-ness? That our life continues with the same, frustrating helplessness. Parts of life never seem to get resolved. Our problems never seem to get solved. Our potential is never fully realized. We then attribute it to God, luck, vaastu or the stars. We do not see that our opinions and beliefs are the prime movers of our lives.

If a person believes that money is the be all and end all of life, how will his life be? What kind of life will he create for himself? If a person believes that family is the be all and end all of life, how would his life be? What would be his problems, his situations? Each one has the kind of life that his beliefs render. As long as those thoughts remain the way they are, his life will ever remain the same – the same problems, the same frustrations, the same aspirations and the same cycle of hope and despair.

Do parents review the way they are looking at and dealing with their children? Do business people review the way they are doing their business? Do teachers come up with different ways of being more effective teachers? If they don’t, how can they expect different results? Everything will continue the same way.

Not only is our life created by our thoughts, it is also interpreted by our thoughts. The same event is bliss for one and misery for another. For one the glass is half full, for another it is half empty. Life for one is delightful. The same life for another is horrible. All this is created by our thoughts. In the same world, at the same time, Duryodhana could not find a single good person and Yudhistira could not find a single bad one!

So it would be well worth our time to examine our thoughts, especially in areas where things don’t seem to be turning out well. Find out if your thoughts are correct. Are our thoughts proving beneficial in our lives or are they hindering progress? Any kind of dissatisfaction, frustration or irritation indicates that we need to re-examine the way we are looking at things, we need to take another look at how we are seeing things.

It is not easy to do this. But it is this kind of objectivity and honesty to ourselves, that will unfold the life of our dreams. We will lose the feeling of victimization and become a powerful player in life.

Managing Self Before Managing Others

Management stands for ‘managing’. The word ‘managing’ has to be followed by an object of managing, like managing finances, or managing people, or managing a function. The word ‘management’ therefore has a necessary external bias. But what about managing self, who is going to be the key actor managing external situations?

No one can be a successful manager if his own body, mind and intellect are not tuned properly. A successful manager is one who can put in long hours without feeling the stress and have complete focus on all that he does. He has the capacity to take tough decisions. He also has a proper attitude in dealing with various stakeholders.

Develop these qualities by managing the self. Self-management requires attending to two main aspects – body and mind. Most people are conscious of the need for physical exercise to remain fit and active but very little attention is paid to training of mind. There is no better way than yoga to develop focus of mind and make our mental responses sturdy.

The first part of yoga is meditation. Sitting in silence in a quiet place with no activity has to be part of one’s daily routine. It is not easy but with persistence one can increase the duration to an hour also. All kinds of thoughts will come when you sit for meditation. Just witness them dispassionately. Gradually, try to focus your mind on a single thought. The thought could be that of seeing a deity or of formless pure consciousness pervading the Universe. Meditation brings focus to the mind and makes it less jumpy. Both these are most essential for a successful manager.

The second part is our attitude towards work. That is part of karma yoga philosophy. Karma yoga means putting in one’s best efforts in all our roles without selfishness and without ego. Performing our job with top class efficiency and proactive attitude. And not calculating, ‘what will I gain out of this activity’ for all actions. Good actions always bring good fruits. Too much anxiety for results spoils the quality of actions.

Also, ‘ego’ should not rule our actions. Individual ego has no place in the overall scheme of the universe, wherein everything is interconnected and good result is always coming out of efforts of many stakeholders. Acknowledging this fact, one has to keep giving credit to others, which then can become the reason for further success.

The third and the most important part of mind-training is our attitude to results. How does a manager react when the results are extraordinarily buoyant? Or how does one take in one’s stride the most disappointing results? There is no need to start jumping and dancing when the results are spectacular. And also there is no point in lamenting or grieving when the results are unfavorable. Tough times never last, but tough people do. Success has come to those who have converted adversity into an opportunity instead of feeling defeated. It is possible that in spite of one’s best efforts the results may not be as expected. Results depend on many factors including geopolitical and macro economic situations. It need not be linked to managerial failure. Maintaining a cool attitude in both success and failure is called equanimity, which is described as yoga in the Gita ‘Samatvam yoga uchyate.’

Make The Effort, Bring Joy Into Your Life

Do you want to wake up joyful every morning, jump out of bed with enthusiasm, excitement, with a thirst for life irrespective of your circumstances? Everybody wants happiness. Yet only a few really find it. Why is it so difficult to find joy? We are looking for it in the wrong place!

Life is designed such that anything that gives pleasure in the beginning yields sorrow in the end. True happiness appears in the mask of sorrow. Yet people seek instant pleasure, only to find pain. Learn this basic truth and you can avoid a lot of anguish. Ancient Indian seers discovered many such laws and presented them as the science of Vedanta. They led us away from momentary excitement to lasting happiness.

What makes you prefer junk food over healthier options, prefer to laze around than exercise? Why do you give up a lifetime of happiness for a few seconds of ‘joy’? You are acting on the whims and fancies of the mind, disregarding the advice of the intellect. The mind is attracted to instant gratification. The intellect picks short-term pain for long- term gain. The mind is irrational, unstable and undependable. The intellect is rational, stable and dependable. Consult the intellect and embark on a concerted programme to develop the intellect.

Most people act with the attitude of taking, rather than giving. It is so pleasing to take, and painful to give. Yet the law is – give you gain, grab you lose. The mere thought of giving empowers you, makes you creative and successful. All givers are happy. And giving transforms you from an ordinary mortal to an extraordinary Immortal. Follow this simple principle and miracles will unfold.

It is regulated contact with sense objects that gives lasting enjoyment. Let the intellect decide the quantum and frequency of contact and you will enjoy life fully till the last day of your life.

In relationships you want others to cater to you, pamper you, and meet with your expectations. You vociferously stipulate your demands. Rarely do you consider the other person’s needs. Little do you know you are signing up for a life of conflict, pain and loneliness. Love people for what they are, not for what they do for you. Love must be unconditional. It has no reference to any return, tangible or intangible. The more you reach out to people with love, the more they adore you. You become fulfilled.

You want better homes, luxurious cars, exotic food, fancy vacations and more of everything. You are fanning desire. Ride on desire, the object of desire runs away from you. Rise above desire, and the object comes to you. Fix a higher ideal. Dedicate yourself to the well-being of others. Your desires will get fulfilled.

Some people seek knowledge. But they operate out of mere curiosity. They are information gatherers. They look outwards in the world. This leads you nowhere. Turn your gaze inward. Discover the infinite resource of energy, vitality and happiness within.

Life is precious and your only duty is to live it joyfully. Tap into the wealth of Vedanta to experience abundant joy. At your core, you are peace and joy. Sense it. Embrace it. Live it. Become one with it.

You Can Learn To Manage All Kinds Of Stress

Stress levels of students are on the rise, as they are under pressure to perform superlatively in examinations. Stress is also the bane of executives who are dogged by competition and ambition. Stress means different things to different people. To a mountaineer, it is the challenge of pushing physical resources to the limit by striving to achieve a demanding goal. To the motorist, it can be the hassles of heavy traffic and pollution.

Stress is a major problem for many, but curiously, it is also a matter of pride in certain circles. The perception is that if you are not stressed, you are just not working hard enough. You toss and turn all night. The alarm doesn’t go off. You’re late for work. There’s a deadline to meet, but your computer is down with virus. Three cups of coffee later, your head still throbs. Your back hurts. Your eyes sting each time you blink.

Stress is the inability to cope with a real or imagined threat to your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual well-being, which results in a series of physiological responses and adaptations. It can be caused by both good and bad experiences. The Upanishads say that we are a part of the world and the world is a part of us. As human beings, we live at several levels. Coping refers to our efforts to manage stressful situations.

Make a list of possible sources of stress; it will help you understand and pay attention to issues that are a source of stress. We might have a classic case of ‘‘stress overlap’’ when everything seems to be going wrong, all at the same time. Be aware. Take a moment to determine your main source of stress at the current time, and work towards managing it.

People are often reluctant to reveal that they are stressed and will resist any suggestion that action needs to be taken, as such stress sits in the ‘shadows’, hidden from view. This will continue until it bursts out into the open, by which time it might be either too late for remedial action, or damage control becomes costly. A further shadow can be seen when an executive chooses not to intervene in a potentially difficult situation, where someone appears to be stressed. This might be because he doesn’t know how to deal with it, and so feels embarrassed at exposing his lack of knowledge. Alternately, he might take a ‘let sleeping dogs lie’ approach and just hope that it will go away.

Either way, the stress situation gets worse and recedes deeper into the shadows, and thus becomes harder and costlier to address at a later date. Everyone responds differently to stress. That is why some people seem to thrive during stressful situations, while others are exhausted. Pressure is inevitable. The solution lies in active management. Pressure is a neutral force; it can be channelled for good or bad. Pressure can be the stimuli; we need to enjoy our lives and learn new skills, experience excitement and get things done. It can also be the force that causes depression and anxiety, breaks relationships, making one miss deadlines, and even become seriously ill.

Resilient people accept responsibility for their life and their choices, and they understand what’s gone wrong, and then try to fix it. So, they are able to cope with stress. Those who are not naturally resilient can learn from the examples of others.

There Is No Reality Other Than Shiva

Shiva has a unique place in the Hindu pantheon. Being incorporeal, Shiva alone is usually not represented by a deity, and instead, is depicted by the lingam. The names of Shiva temples in India bear the suffix ‘nath’ or ‘ishwar’ to indicate that he is the preceptor of all beings. One of the many names of Shiva is Sarveshwar, Lord of all. Images of the deity Shankar often show him meditating in front of a Shivalingam.

Hindu mythology speaks of Krishna and Rama as avatars, they were born and they died. They are said to have worshipped Shiva. Other gods also take physical birth, but Shiva neither takes birth, nor dies.

Shiva incarnates himself in a human body, an occurrence that is celebrated during Shivaratri. Shiva’s incarnation is associated with ‘ratri’ or night because he manifests in this world when it is enveloped in the darkness of ignorance and evil. Omniscient Shiva dispels the darkness by giving humans the light of knowledge. The three parallel lines on the Shivalingam are symbolic of Shiva’s knowledge of the three aspects of time. The eye in the middle of the lines indicates the eye of wisdom he gives to human souls.

The Mahabharata refers to the regenerative role of Shiva, saying that when the world had plunged into darkness and vicious proliferation, “an egg-like form of light descended and established a new order”. In the Dharma Samhita part of Shiva Purana, it is said that at the end of Kaliyuga, during the time of destruction, a magnificent light revealed itself, blindingly luminous, radiant and eternal, and the world was created through this light.

Shivaratri is commemoration of the arrival of Divinity in this world to salvage humanity. In the Bhagwad Gita Krishna says that whenever righteousness declines and unrighteousness arises, he manifests for the protection of the good, destruction of the wicked, and reestablishment of a righteous order.

The Gita hints at this role of Shiva when Krishna says: “I am ‘mahakaal’ (God of Death). Death can never approach me.” Such an assertion can be made only by Shiva, the Supreme, Paramatma.  Soul, one who never takes birth, is Mrityunjaya, immortal.

There is no room for confusion about the roles of Shiva and Krishna, because there is but one God, though deities may be many. The Supreme of all souls, across different faith traditions, is understood as being incorporeal and omnipotent. The Ocean of Peace, the Saviour and Almighty, is forever beyond the limitations of a physical existence.

He performs his tasks by giving power to his spiritual children, these gods and goddesses, the slayers of demons, who are also embodiments of purity, love and wisdom. They are not supernatural beings, but humans with divine qualities. They foster these qualities in their fellow humans, nurturing a new, elevated consciousness, and thus serve as divine instruments in the task of creating a righteous world order.

This is the secret of Maha Shivaratri, which will be observed on March 4 this year, the night the Supreme comes to liberate his children from suffering and sorrow, as promised in the Gita.